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IT Humour

Computer Terminology 586 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete - Any computer you own. Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G4 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, four times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago." Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object." Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey") Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software. Source: Directory Things you don't want to hear your system administrator saying: NO! Not that button! Do you smell something? I have never seen it do that before... Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST! What do you mean you needed that directory? Where did you say those backup tapes were kept? The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's lots of free space. Source: Author Unknown Things you don't want to hear your Tech Support saying: "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?" " ...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it." " So -- what are you wearing?" " Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n." " Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC." " We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery." " I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that." " In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect." Source: The UGA humor list What if people bought cars like they bought computers: General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers. But imagine if they did.... HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened! HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" Customer: "What's an ignition?" HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?" --------------------------------------------------------------- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!" HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?" Customer: "Huh? How do I know?" HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?" HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you." Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" --------------------------------------------------------------- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "Your cars suck!" HelpLine: "What's wrong?" Customer: "It crashed, that's what's wrong!" HelpLine: "What were you doing?" Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now! HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?" Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!" --------------------------------------------------------------- HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" Customer: "How do I work it?" HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "Do I know how to what?" HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!" Source: Sari's Information Technology Humor File